


of orange lillies (and white, white bones)

by FrecklesOfTheSeasons



Series: seo changbin, anomaly [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Background Relationships, Bittersweet Ending, Blood, Crying, Death, Flowers, M/M, Metaphors, Romantic Soulmates, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 03:58:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18380504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrecklesOfTheSeasons/pseuds/FrecklesOfTheSeasons
Summary: they hadn't known each other for very long. thirty minutes, at most. so why does felix miss him so badly? why does it feel like his heart had been shattered and stepped on, left in the dust? they hadn't had time to fall in love. felix spends his days wishing that they had. then, maybe, he could explain why all he felt in his chest was emptiness. and maybe it was because they were soulmates. and maybe it was because they were meant to be. but whatever the case, seo changbin was long gone. and felix still has seventy years to go. seventy years alone.(A/N: this is the sequel to seo changbin, anomaly. if you haven't read that, this won't make sense, so you should.)





	of orange lillies (and white, white bones)

they hadn't known each other for very long. thirty minutes, at most. so why does felix miss him so badly? why does it feel like his heart had been shattered and stepped on, left in the dust? they hadn't had time to fall in love. felix spends his days wishing that they had. then, maybe, he could explain why all he felt in his chest was emptiness. and maybe it was because they were soulmates. and maybe it was because they were meant to be. but whatever the case, seo changbin was long gone. and felix still has seventy years to go. seventy years alone. 

 

in the first few months since changbin's death, he isolated himself. he studied hard and neglected any and every relationship he had ever had- because the most important one, the one he was meant to have for life- it was gone, wasn't it? so he isolated himself. he stayed alone. he visited the grave every day after school, long after the dye in his hair had faded and his roots had grown in. every day, he brought with him to the grave a single orange lily. 

 

he eventually ran out of tears to cry. when it rained, he would stand outside when everyone else was indoors. he didn't carry an umbrella. he went to the cemetery. and there, felix talked to changbin. 

 

“how are you?” felix would ask. “what will you tell me today?” 

 

he didn't cry. the sky did enough of that for him. it was the most rain seoul had gotten in years. 

 

if reality could bend to his will, maybe felix lee would have been happy. if he could change everything, with just a snap of his fingers-

 

-maybe everything would be alright. 

 

felix doesn't expect changbin to speak to him from beyond the grave. he knows better. once someone is gone, they never come back. even so, he asks questions, questions changbin will never be able to answer. 

 

“what would you have told me?” he asks. “if we had known each other longer?” 

 

_ if you hadn't died?  _

 

and just as he expects, there is no answer. so he sets out to find them himself. he stops by the seos’ every other sunday, and he asks. there's only so much one can do with the knowledge of their dead soulmate's favorite flower. 

 

and perhaps it was because they had list their only son, but changbin's family- they cared. and they gave him answers. 

 

he once asked the grave as the ground quaked with thunder, 

 

“would you have loved me, if you could see what i've become?” 

 

changbin's family told him yes. and though he didn't believe it, maybe there was something reassuring about those words. 

 

changbin was a fighter. he'd been sick his whole life, catching whooping cough as a toddler and measles as a child, common illnesses sprinkled in between. and still, he'd pulled through, up until that day. felix swallows around the physical manifestation of grief that sat in his throat. that day.

 

sometimes, he'd climb up onto the roof and watch the stars.  _ did you like the stars?  _ he'd wonder, and would wish for an answer. it never came, unless he looked too hard and caught a shooting star out of the corner of his eye. then he would scold himself, for reading into things too deeply. seo changbin couldn't answer him anymore.

 

those were the first months of mourning. then, there came the next. school starts up once more. and felix is going to college. the few friends he'd had had since drifted away. it's his own fault, he supposes. he truly is alone. 

 

on the day before everything is set to begin, he moves into his new home. he has a roommate, he’s sure, but he hadn't taken the time to look into them. no, instead he busies himself with unpacking, taking out his clothes and putting them in the closet on his side of the room. his hands search blindly through the duffel bags full of his belongings, reaching, reaching. 

 

_ if only you could reach back. _

 

he stifles a sob that would have appeared from nowhere, if not from some repressed part of himself. the weak part. lee felix is not weak. his fingers find, they find, they take. they fix, they polish, straighten up, they find- 

 

they find a picture frame. they falter. felix isn't looking at the duffel bag anymore. when did he stop? he blinks a couple times, vision blurry, as his hand closes around thin wood, delicate, ornate. it pulls, shakily, and he finds himself staring down at the one person he wishes he had most. 

 

someone clears their throat behind him. felix wipes at his eyes before the tears can fall. what more is there to cry over? it's all lost. it's all gone. he turns his head. 

 

a young boy, maybe his age, or slightly older, raises a hand in a shy wave. his hair is black like coal, and he has a mole under his left eye. felix wishes he felt something. when it becomes apparent that felix won't (can't) say anything, the boy clears his throat again. 

 

“hi! uh, sorry, i'm, um. i'm hyunjin. i think we're roommates?” the boy, hyunjin, smiles sheepishly, eyes squeezing shut, hand scratching at the back of his head. 

 

felix's lips fall open the tiniest bit. ah. he reaches for something inside himself, something real, and pulls out an empty smile. it doesn't reach his eyes. 

 

“felix.” he manages to say. and that's all. he turns and sets the photograph on the floor, rummaging through the rest of his things. the photograph he doesn't touch. 

 

hyunjin watches him, it seems. he unpacks too, of course, but felix catches the boy looking his way several times. when he's caught, hyunjin smiles shyly and his cheeks turn pink. felix doesn't think much of it. an hour passes in a silence broken by hyunjin's noncommittal humming. changbin stays on the ground. 

 

_ he stays on the ground. there's no ambulance. there's no one to save. god really should have thought this through better. someone in the crowd calls the funeral home, when it's clear that changbin is gone. when it's clear that changbin is dead. it's imperfect. it's not like a movie, there's no magical fixes to these kinds of problems. the mortician arrives, as do changbin's parents. what is felix meant to do with the body? he holds it. they stay on the ground.  _

 

_ they have to pry changbin's corpse out of his hands. it doesn't stop raining. the heavens have opened, if there are any. felix hopes there is such a place. he's soaked, chilled to the bone, clothes sopping wet and hair in his eyes. there is no god. he stays on the ground.  _

 

“-lix.” felix blinks. he turns his head again. it's hyunjin. the boy smiles, lifts his hand in a little wave. maybe it's a habit of his. felix notices that he has band-aids wrapped around his fingertips. it's an interesting thing to notice. 

 

“some friends and i are going out to eat at the campus cafeteria a little later, do you want to come?” 

 

maybe it would be nice to say he pretends to think about it. he doesn't. he shakes his head. hyunjin seems to understand that felix doesn't talk that much. that's a good thing.

 

_ you used to!  _

 

hyunjin nods and starts to get ready, putting on a hat and scarf, and pulling fingerless gloves over his fingers. 

 

“maybe another time?” the boy asks, and felix thinks he should probably answer. he looks up and hyunjin smiles at him. it seems like enough. he leaves a minute later, texting someone furiously. 

 

felix sits on his bed. he waits. the sky grows dark outside the window. he has places to be. dreams to dream. he falls asleep without the covers on. changbin stays on the ground. 

 

***

 

felix has come to realize that his dreams are the only escape he has from bad thoughts. tonight, he dreams of a photograph. it sits on a desk, next to an hourglass with no sand inside. he reaches out a hand. his fingers graze the photo, curled in at the edges, but he can't see whose smile it captures. he finds the hourglass instead. he flips it over. there is no sand. he flips it again. there is no sand. again. 

 

a timer rings. 

 

felix's whole body curls in on itself, hands coming up to cover his ears as he's jolted out of his sleep. his breathing comes harsh. he's confused. 

 

_ who died?  _

 

“what?” it's hyunjin, voice groggy and full of sleep. 

 

“who died?” felix finds himself asking again. he's much, much too awake. his heart pounds. 

 

“no one.” hyunjin mumbles, “go back to sleep.” 

 

felix doesn't go back to sleep.

 

he thinks. 

 

hyunjin gets up, begins getting ready for the day. he looks over at felix repeatedly, as if to check on him, smiling when he's caught. he always smiles. felix just stares back. hyunjin turns his gaze onto his phone. he's texting again. felix doesn't have anyone to text. 

 

he thinks. 

 

hyunjin leaves the dorm after scribbling something down onto a sheet of paper and leaving it on felix's desk. the door closes behind him. 

 

an echo of a timer rings in felix's ears. 

 

*** 

 

he gets out of bed before his alarm goes off. he always does. he brushes his hair and teeth and manages, for once, to pull on something other than jeans and a hoodie. it's too easy to fall into that comfort. he stares into the mirror at himself, and he thinks- 

 

_ who are you? _

 

he leaves for class. 

 

it's become far too easy for felix to get lost in his own thoughts. but a lot of the time- it seems like he can't remember afterwards. he ends up at the door of his first class before he knows it, and his mind is blank. inside, there are rows of students, some seated, some milling around, asking the professor questions or chatting with each other. felix joins the seated ones. he ends up next to a boy with puffy cheeks and a heart-shaped grin. 

 

“hi!” the boy says excitedly. “i'm jisung! han jisung.” he's bouncing in his seat, arm extended towards felix. felix blinks. his lips part in a silent “oh”. he shakes jisung's hand. 

 

“lee felix.” he says, and he watches jisung's eyes widen considerably. then he grins, again. 

 

“i think we'll be getting to know each other quite a bit then!” 

 

felix looks down at where their hands are still connected. jisung lets go. felix stares at his hand. 

 

“are you a germaphobe?” jisung squeaks anxiously. “sorry! i have some hand sanitizer  _ somewhere, _ i know it, lemme just-” 

 

he breaks off into incoherent mumbles as he rummages around in his bag. felix doesn't have the heart to tell him that no, he is not a germaphobe, and that he has hand sanitizer of his own. he watches jisung realize that his hand sanitizer has been sitting on his desk the whole time and slam his face down on it in despair. 

 

“i. am so dumb.” he groans, picking up the hand sanitizer and offering it to felix. felix takes it, despite not feeling the need to use it. 

 

“i always keep it with me cause minho hyung hates germs too.” jisung rambles on. “and literally i would take a bath in hand sanitizer if it would get him to touch me more often.”

 

felix blinks. 

 

“is that tmi? i feel like that's tmi. i promise i don't mean it in a weird way!” jisung chuckles nervously. he seems like an anxious person. 

 

felix blinks some more, and sets his hand down on jisung's knee to stop it from bobbing up and down. he wishes he could be of more comfort, but really- 

 

this is all he can do, right now. 

 

he smiles. it doesn't meet his eyes. he says, 

 

“nice to meet you.” he sounds as dead as he feels.

  
  


***

 

the day goes by quickly. felix finishes his classes and he catches the bus to a specific flower store. they always have a bouquet ready for him. always the same flowers, though the florist has tried getting his attention by adding springs of baby's breath or queen anne's lace. every day a different color of ribbon tied around the stems. 

 

felix appreciates the florist. he thinks the boy might be new, might go to the same college that he does. it would explain why he seems to recognize felix the minute he walks through the door. the bell chimes, and felix looks up to see the boy in an animated conversation with someone else. a customer, maybe? 

 

“why do you even work with flowers if you're afraid of dirt?” not a customer, then. 

 

“i have to pay the bills somehow!” the boy at the counter says, tying a ribbon around the flowers he's currently adding to a bouquet. 

 

felix stands at the door for a little bit. 

 

“minho hyung, you're literally from one of the richest families in seoul.” 

 

why is that name so familiar? felix walks up to the counter, wallet in hand. the florist looks up and screeches. 

 

“shoo!” he tells the boy beside him. “go do your homework in the back room, or something, we have customers.” 

 

then he smiles. 

 

“felix,” he greets, tying the last of the flowers together. “right on time.” he grabs a bouquet of orange lilies from the desk behind him and slides them across the counter. 

 

as felix thumbs through his wallet, he's stopped by the boy's hand hovering above his own. they don't touch. he looks up. 

 

“on me, this time.” the boy smiles. felix nods silently, and smiles back. it's strained. he takes the flowers carefully between his fingers, tucking his wallet back into his pocket. 

 

as he walks out the door, he thinks, though it seems like a far away thought,  _ how do you know my name? _

 

he walks down the street a ways, then crosses over to the other side. a couple more turns, and he ends up back at those familiar iron gates. 

 

he walks along rows of tombstones, none of them the right one. felix knows where the right one is. he could probably find it with his eyes closed, if he tried. it's calling to him, always and forever.

 

when he reaches it, he sighs, and sits down. the lilies are laid to rest among countless other bouquets, all dead by now. felix lays his head on top of the tombstone, and sighs. 

 

“i met someone.” he says quietly. then, “someones.” 

 

there's silence. there's no one there, but he always waits a little bit, just in case. 

 

“they're odd.” he says, and wrinkles his nose. “one of them, my roommate, he never stops smiling.” 

 

_ you used to be like that. were you really so odd?  _

 

felix had thought he'd shut that voice out by now. 

 

“i thought, at one point, he must get annoyed with me. but he never does.” felix hums a half-tune while he waits. silence. “he just smiles. even when i don't answer him.” 

 

the wind sighs in the branches, a little bit. felix hums some more. 

 

“there's a boy in my lit. class that always has hand sanitizer with him. he thought i thought he was crazy.” more silence. “he didn't say, but i could tell. i didn't think he was crazy.” 

 

the tune he's humming starts to sound more familiar. 

 

“i think the florist is either hitting on me or he feels bad ‘cause he knows you're dead.” it sounds too harsh even in the soft tones he's using. “he's afraid of dirt.” 

 

felix knows the song by now. 

 

“you wrote this one.” he says, sighing again. he doesn't lift his head.

 

a week after the funeral, changbin's family gave felix most of his belongings. he didn't accept all of them, but he kept the writings. there were apologies to felix, before they had even met. there were love songs for the love he would never have. felix learned how to read music in one night so he could hear changbin's genius. 

 

part of him regrets it. now he can't ever get those melodies out of his head. 

 

he dozes in the sun, head cradled by the stone of changbin's grave. when he opens his eyes, it's to someone shaking his shoulder. the sun is setting. he's stayed too long. he looks up, and hyunjin looks down. felix blinks. 

 

hyunjin smiles, but it's wobbly. 

 

“time to go home.” he says, and opens his hand for felix to take. felix does. 

 

hyunjin helps him to his feet, and they start walking down the rows of graves again. toward the gates. towards the bus stop. towards home. 

 

_ how did you find me?  _

 

is the question he doesn't ask. in fact, he doesn't ask any at all. he lets his hand drop to his side. he goes home.

 

***

 

the first couple months of school, felix is numb. he doesn’t ask hyunjin about that day at the cemetery. he doesn’t ask about the tune the other boy hums while he studies. he just knows it sounds familiar. everything is familiar. his mother calls weekly to check in with him. he’s fine. other than the gaping hole in his chest, he’s fine. then, on the fourth month, everything changes.

 

felix is staring at his wrist. at his timers. the one on his right and how it stays frozen. how it stays blank. 00:00:00. the one on the left, and how it says he has seventy years left, give or take a few months. he suddenly wishes that he couldn’t see them. for the first time in the nineteen years he’s been alive, he skips class. 

 

instead he sits on his bed, contemplating. he could get a tattoo. but he doesn’t think he’s willing to face the judgement the world around him will place him under. he just wants to disappear. would anyone miss him? he doesn’t know. he doesn’t care. if he can cheat god, if he can see changbin again- 

 

he’s willing to try.

 

so he fishes around in his duffel bag, where he knows there’s something to help him. to make his timers disappear. he pulls out a pocket knife. it’ll have to do. he’s quick about it.

 

he carves into his skin, on his left wrist: 00:00:00. surprisingly, it doesn’t hurt. he watches the blood rise to the surface. it pools there, in the zeros, taunting him. it begins to seep down the sides of his wrist. changbin’s photo hasn’t left the ground, so leans down to pick it up, holding his wrist steady. 

 

he cradles the picture frame in his hand like it's something holy. the blood flows. it slides into the grooves of his skin, turning his arm into a twisted piece of art. that's how they find him. 

 

when the door bursts open, the sound of laughter echoing through the halls, felix doesn't move. he stares at the new numbers on his wrist. a loud gasp sounds, and felix looks up. hyunjin is there, with someone else. felix sees curls and bleach blonde hair. he sees the red trailing down his arm. he sees hyunjin. his eyes droop. suddenly he is very, very tired. 

 

“felix!” and hyunjin is there, he's grabbing a towel and pressing it down on felix's arm. “help me! call 119!” he shouts to his friend. 

 

felix struggles against his hold, weakly. 

 

“no,” he mumbles, and it's the most he's spoken all week. “stop, i need to see him again. please.” his eyes fill with tears and he struggles harder. 

 

“jesus,” hyunjin whispers as the blood soaks through the towel. “chan hyung, hurry!”

 

there's the distant sound of a frantic voice on the phone, but felix isn't listening. he shakes his head, his ears are ringing. there's a film of fuzz over everything, he can't hear. he looks into hyunjin's eyes, and tears spill over his own. tears he thought he'd finally gotten rid of. his lips form words he can't hear. 

 

he shakes in hyunjin's arms, eyelids drooping. he's sleepy. he wants to sleep. wants- he wants to see changbin again. the ringing in his ears grows louder. he stops struggling and falls forward, head thumping against his roommate's chest. 

 

_ changbin. i want to see changbin.  _

 

it's his last coherent thought. 

 

***

 

everything is dark. he's falling. he opens his eyes and sees nothing. there's the faint echo of a timer ringing. something falls past him. it looks suspiciously like a curled piece of paper. something else falls, followed by another, then another. they sink past him into the dark. 

 

there's a photograph. a photograph of changbin. felix reaches out to catch it, but it slips through his fingers. sheets of music, written notes and lyrics and prose, all falling too fast for him to keep up with. he tries to gather them in his arms, but he can't- 

 

they keep falling. he keeps falling. and then he stops. he's laying on something soft. everything is still dark. he stumbles clumsily to his feet, grasping for something to hold onto where there is nothing. there's no obvious ground in sight. there is, however, a small hourglass in front of him. there's no sand inside. he's seen this before. where has he seen this before? 

 

“felix.” 

 

it's not his voice, rough and hoarse from disuse. he looks around, but sees no one there. 

 

“felix.” 

 

he knows that voice. where does he know that voice from? it makes tears well in his eyes. he stares at his hands, shaky. 

 

“felix.” 

 

he spins around, and he sees- 

 

him. he sees him. his soulmate, his one true love who he never experienced, his heart embodied in something other than himself. 

 

“changbin?” he asks, voice trembling. the other boy smiles, eyes sad, soft. felix stumbles forward, reaching- 

 

his hands pass straight through. changbin is gone. 

 

“felix.” he spins around again, eyes searching. changbin is standing where felix had been before. 

 

“changbin.” he says again, voice clearer. 

 

“felix.” changbin's mouth doesn't move, but it's his voice, felix is sure of it. “felix, you have to let go.” 

 

felix shakes his head, lips parting in confusion. 

 

“i want to be with you.” he mumbles, voice watery. “don't make me leave you, i want to be with you.” 

 

“you can't.” it's that same voice. changbin smiles at him still, unmoving. “it's not your time, felix. let go. let go of me.” 

 

felix shakes his head again, the tears spilling over. 

 

“i can't, i want to be with you.” he's crying now, truly, hiccupping with the force of his sobs. 

 

“you can.” changbin lifts a hand, rests it on felix's shoulder, but he doesn't feel anything where he should. “i believe in you. you can. keep living.” 

 

felix hunches over, wiping his eyes and still crying. he can't seem to stop. 

 

“i'll be with you, i swear.” changbin says softly, but still, his lips don't move, and still, felix can't feel him. he looks up anyways. changbin's free hand comes to rest on his other shoulder. “let go.” 

 

felix reaches out, then pauses. his hand cups the air around changbin's cheek. he doesn't touch, he's afraid to touch. he's afraid changbin will disappear. 

 

“i thought this would work.” he sniffles, and lets out a soft cry. “i thought, if i could see you again- i just wanted to see you again.” 

 

changbin's hands reach up to hold his face, and felix leans into the touch that he can't feel. 

 

“you will.” the voice is a whisper, now. “you will see me again.” 

 

felix, like a fool, forgets. he forgets how long he has to wait. he nods, eyes still teary, and his hand comes up to rest on changbin's where it holds his freckled cheek. it flickers, glitches, and stays. 

 

“felix.” the voice calls, but it's different this time around. “felix, wake up. wake up, felix.” 

 

felix looks around, but changbin has disappeared. 

 

“changbin?” he calls, afraid. his hand hovers where changbin's had been before. “changbin? where are you? changbin, i'm scared!” 

 

there are two voices this time. one speaks softly, the other frantic. 

 

“it's okay.” changbin's voice says, but he's nowhere in sight. “i'm here.” 

 

felix trusts him.

 

“wake up, felix.” the voices say at the same time, and felix does. 

 

***

 

he wakes up when he didn't know he had been sleeping. he wakes up, and it's to white. white, everywhere. everything is white. the walls are white, his clothes are white, the bandages around his arm are white, hyunjin is wearing white- 

 

“hyunjin?” felix croaks, without meaning to. the boy in question jerks, head snapping up, eyes widening. it takes only a second for his face to contort, rising to his feet, and rushing over to the bed. he hunches over felix's body, eyes scrunched shut and tears falling and he- 

 

he doesn't smile. 

 

“felix. why would you do that?” his roommate's voice is filled with so much emotion, it makes felix's heart hurt, his eyes fill with tears. “why would you do that? we're all here for you, so why-” painful sobs fill the otherwise silent room. 

 

“you're…” felix struggles to get the words out. “not smiling... why aren't you... smiling?” 

 

hyunjin looks at him, face crumpled and stained with tears. 

 

“why would i smile, when you're like this?” he sounds hurt, looks hurt. “you could have died.” 

 

felix sinks down on his pillow and sighs, his eyes closing. 

 

“i wanted to die.” he says softly, and feels hyunjin grab his hand with his own. 

 

“why?” the boy sniffles, squeezing felix's fingers, urging him to talk. 

 

“i wanted to see changbin again.” felix answers, as if it explains everything. hyunjin takes it. 

 

“changbin…” he hiccups, wiping at his eyes with the hand that isn't holding felix's. “is that the boy in the photograph?” 

 

felix doesn't answer. he opens his eyes and stares blankly at the wall. 

 

“was he your soulmate?” something inside felix tugs, then. he shifts his eyes so that they meet hyunjin's, and he's sure the broken look in them gives the boy his answer. 

 

he stays quiet. his eyes flit down to where their hands are tangled together.

 

“i don't have a soulmate.” hyunjin says, rubbing his thumb over the back of felix's hand. it occurs to felix that this might be odd. they've barely talked in felix's four weeks at university, and yet hyunjin is so kind to him, so giving. 

 

“no soulmate?” felix asks quietly, looking back up at hyunjin's face. the boy shakes his head. “i guess we have that in common, then.” 

 

hyunjin gazes at him, as if pondering something, before he speaks again. 

 

“did he die?” 

 

felix nods. he says, 

 

“yes.” and nothing more. 

 

“when?” then, “you don't have to answer that, i'm sorry.” felix hums a soft tune, one of changbin's. 

 

“the day we met.” hyunjin gasps, softly. 

 

“oh, felix.” his eyes- they're so sad. they shouldn't be like that. “i'm so sorry.” 

 

felix looks away. he doesn't want to see hyunjin sad, anymore. 

 

“i am, too.” 

 

***

 

a nurse comes in shortly after, and gives felix a new bag for his iv, something he hadn't realized he had. it digs into his arm just above where his timer is. he looks at it solemnly, at the bandages that encase his wrist. hyunjin squeezes at his hand. 

 

felix isn't sure why hyunjin is so kind to him. they've rarely talked, except for the occasional hello in between classes. he's not quite present during those times, either, focused on his school work, on the measly job he's acquired at a liquor store off of campus. he barely eats because he doesn't make enough money, because he's determined to get good grades. the occasional pack of ramen does its job well, staves off the gurgling hunger in his stomach. hyunjin does his job well, staves off the panic felix hasn't felt in so long crowding into his mind. 

 

his stomach growls. 

 

“hungry?” hyunjin asks, smiling again. felix looks at his face, his eyes squeezed into little crescents, his lips, thinks, maybe- 

  
  


“yes.” he says, quietly. his eyes move away, trailing over the white sheets of the bed, the white walls, white bandages, white- 

 

white like the baby's breath displayed in the bundles of flowers he brings to changbin's grave. white like the first snow since changbin's death. white like changbin's skin when he rested so pliantly, quietly, still in the coffin his family had purchased with their last savings. felix's hands tighten in the blanket resting over his lap. 

 

“i'll go grab something from the cafeteria, okay?” hyunjin is quick to smile, quick to laugh, to giggle, to feel happy. felix wants to feel happy. felix wants a lot of things. 

 

he wants the flowers to come back in the spring, wants to touch them, runs his fingers along their petals, wants to tell them how much changbin loved them when he couldn't love himself. felix wants to see changbin again, to hear his voice, to feel his touch, the warm, calloused palms on his own clammy ones. lee felix wants a lot of things, but most of them he'll never get. 

 

his hands shift, his right palm curling around hyunjin's wrist to stop him from moving away, from leaving. 

 

“can you-” the strangest part is that he doesn't feel his lips move, doesn't feel his mouth form the words. his eyes are on hyunjin and his smile and the crease on his brow. that doesn't belong, he thinks, but he doesn't say it. he doesn't say much at all, generally. “can you stay?” 

 

hyunjin's face softens, the crease disappears, and felix- he feels thankful. he wants hyunjin to smile. 

 

“of course.” his roommate says, and everything- everything about him is soft. felix has an ache in his chest and a gaping hole where his heart should be and he can't love anymore. “i'll call a nurse.” 

 

hyunjin does end up calling a nurse. felix sits by idly on the hospital bed as they bring him pancakes for a too late breakfast at 5pm. his eyes watch everything yet they don't see anything, not really. once again, he's not present. he eats slowly, quietly, hyunjin tapping patterns where he's rested his hand on felix's stomach. it's comforting, maybe a little bit odd, but felix doesn't question it. he looks up every now and then to reassure himself that he's not alone, that he's still breathing, that he's still alive. he feels dead. he feels too much and not enough and it's consuming him, eating him alive. 

 

there's a quiet knock against the wall and he looks up, disturbed from his eating, disturbed from his silence. a familiar face peeks around the corner of the door, and if felix could feel, he'd feel surprised. but felix can't feel, and therefore is pleasantly numb. it's the florist who hates dirt. 

 

he's carrying a bouquet of daffodils, out of season, felix realizes distantly. at felix's questioning gaze, the boy speaks up a little, voice still soft enough to be nothing more than a murmur. 

 

“something different, for a change.” he says, and felix knows he's referencing the endless bouquets of lilies, all orange, all useless in their attempt to appease the dead. 

 

_ dead.  _

 

dead is what felix wants to be, but isn't. 

 

he takes the daffodils. 

 

“minho hyung.” hyunjin pipes, excited. “you came.” 

 

it seems that everything is slightly more connected than felix had first assumed. a red string of fate, curling around his fingers in a cat's cradle, too tangled to be skillful, looped through the eye of several needles in several more people's pockets. red like the blood on his wrist and on the floor. he hums and absent minded greeting to minho and cradles the daffodils between his fingers. they're beautiful. 

 

all flowers are beautiful, really, but they have nothing on the orange lilies that flood his brain every other moment, clogging his arteries, filling him up- 

 

he can never get rid of them, and maybe that's part of their beauty. 

 

minho sits beside hyunjin and chats with him amiably, running his hands through his own hair. felix has a sudden urge to see beneath his bandages. 

 

he begins picking at them subtly, too slow for hyunjin to notice, but he's caught when he begins to peel them back. a hand rests on his wrist and he looks up. looks up to see hyunjin's worried eyes and minho's furrowed eyebrows and feels like he's disappointed them somehow.

 

“felix, what are you doing?” his roommate asks, and felix does no more than blink in response. 

 

“why are you here?” he questions suddenly, and it's not unkind, but hyunjin still manages to flinch. “we barely know each other. i don't answer you when you speak to me. i don't smile at you.” 

 

it's quiet for a moment, silence between the three of them, before hyunjin answers him. when he does, his eyes flit away and he stares at the sheets instead of felix's face. 

 

“felix, i found you.” felix blinks. “i found you, chan hyung and i found you, and there was blood everywhere, and-” his voice is watery, wobbling with intense emotion, and felix wants to feel guilty. he does, a little. 

 

“you wouldn't stop begging me to let you die.” it's not breaking news, felix is aware of this fact, because he  _ had _ begged hyunjin, and hyunjin hadn't listened. he's not angry, only numb. “if i didn't stay here with you, what kind of person would i be?” 

 

_ a normal one.  _

 

felix doesn't mean to say it out loud, but he does. he follows it up with, 

 

“i wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to see me again. if you wanted to switch roommates.” a mirthless chuckle. his eyes close against oncoming tears, tears he hasn't been able to cry in so long. “who would want me?” 

 

_ who would want you?  _

 

it's not a question he's unused to, something his mind won't shut up about. he's something that's occurred once in a lifetime, a boy with a soulmate who died on the day of their meeting. maybe he'll write a book. 

 

“your soulmate wanted you.” felix's eyes open. he knows this, has known it, and yet- 

 

and yet when minho says it, it feels like a bullet to the chest. he knows that changbin had wanted him. he's read it hundreds of times over in his soulmate's poetry, in his music, heard it over and over when changbin died in his arms. 

 

_ i wish i could have grown to love you.  _

 

“i wish he hadn't.” felix murmurs, distant. “maybe that would have made losing him easier.” 

 

silence again. then, 

 

“it wouldn't.” minho is on a roll with his answers, apparently, bringing up things felix already knows, has known for far too long. it never would have been easier. 

 

“i know.” 

 

felix knows. 

 

*** 

 

hyunjin asks him again, why he tried to take off the bandages, when minho is gone. felix shrugs and stares at the white of the room. it hurts his eyes. 

 

“i wanted to see them.” he says, simply. then, when hyunjin prompts him to continue, “the zeros.” 

 

he'd wanted to know if they were still there. in a world of magic, maybe it wouldn't be so strange if they were gone. 

 

“why zeros?” hyunjin asks, brows furrowed, and felix hums quietly. 

 

“if there was a god, i wanted to cheat him.” 

 

there is no god, not here, and if there ever was, he was not a merciful creature. 

 

felix is reminded of the seventy years that remain and he curses that non-existent god, a little. 

 

“i wanted to die before my timer rang.” 

 

hyunjin worries his lip between his teeth and felix tries not to stare. 

 

“it's not possible, is it?” he asks quietly. “i've never heard of that happening before.” 

 

he doesn't mention the fact that he's never heard of anyone attempting it, either, but they both know it anyways. felix shrugs. 

 

“neither have i.” and it's true, he hasn't. maybe someone has, but the history of this world is blurry and things like that don't get mentioned much. no, the image of a perfect life between soulmates is far more entertaining to the majority of human beings. 

 

felix should write a book. 

 

“hyunjin,” he says absentmindedly, and the boy hums in response. they do a lot of that, those two. “can you get me some paper?” 

 

***

 

felix writes. he gets home from the hospital and he writes. he writes in between classes, at the meals hyunjin forces down his throat, on his phone in the late hours of the night. 

 

the bandages come off, his stitches get taken out, and he writes. the zeros are gone, just like he'd thought. he writes about that, too. 

 

he writes about changbin and about premature love and about heartbreak and lilies and the bleached white of the hospital room, about changbin's bones beneath his feet when he visits the cemetery. 

 

he goes out to lunch with hyunjin and his friends. there are more of them than he'd thought there would be, six in total. 

 

there's chan, who found felix with hyunjin. felix thanks him without meaning it. he's a kind hyung, and he stresses over music and tests and insomnia. he helps felix translate music notes on paper to audio recordings and felix has a permanent memory of changbin's songs in his heart. 

 

jisung is there, an oddball, but sweet nonetheless, always carrying around that bottle of hand sanitizer. (“you'll kill all the good bacteria on your hands and your skin will dry out, and for what?” hyunjin teases him, and felix's lips curl up in a barely there smile.) 

 

minho still offers him free flowers and felix feels guilty, so he takes them. despite what jisung says about him being a germaphobe, minho is all over the boy. they're soulmates, felix learns, and his chest aches a little more than usual. 

 

woojin is the oldest. he's soft and warm and caring and felix loves him a little bit the first time they meet, when woojin sweeps him up into a bear hug. it should be strange, but it isn't, and that same red string as before wraps itself righter around felix's fingers and does knots up near and around the hole in his chest and fills a bit of the empty space. 

 

there are too many words in seungmin's story and yet not enough, the books he reads piled up on his desk and on the lunch table and on his unused bed. he doesn't have a soulmate either, but he says he doesn't need one, because jeongin makes him feel whole. 

 

jeongin is a sweetheart. his soulmate died in the womb, and felix thinks that maybe that's tragic too, in its own way. he and seungmin wrap up in each other and keep each other warm and felix wishes he could let himself love like that. be loved like that. but something hollow settles where his heart should be, because thread tied in knots can only fill so much and the one place the lilies don't fill is his chest. 

 

and then there's hyunjin. he's so kind to felix, so gentle with him, and felix wants to cry when he sees the stars in his eyes but he can't because he's all cried out- 

 

if hyunjin was a flower, he'd be a white rose. he's purity embodied in a human form, chaste and gentle like a first kiss- 

 

felix's first kiss was full of tears and death and ruin. 

 

hyunjin walks with him to changbin's grave. he holds felix's tiny pinky with his own and makes quiet jokes as they grace over the grass of the cemetery and felix has never taken anyone with him before, but- 

 

but he knows it'll be okay. changbin is okay with it. he can feel it in his bones, in his veins, in his wrist where the zeros have disappeared. it's become sensitive to weather, and the boys joke with him gently that he's a weather vane because it makes him smile, even if it's barely there. 

 

hyunjin is too sweet, and it'll be the death of him. when he confesses to felix it's soft and knowing and felix's heart would break if he had any pieces left over, if it hadn't been crushed to fine dust by now. 

 

“felix,” he says, and his smile is bright, eyes squeezed shut. “felix, i'm in love with you.” 

 

felix's lips part, and he knew this was coming, because hyunjin is too caring, and he puts his heart into everything he feels. 

 

“hyunjin-” he says, and somewhere in his chest where he thought there was nothing, there's a small stutter. a slip-up, a mistake. “hyunjin, i-” 

 

but hyunjin doesn't stop smiling. he never stops smiling. he knows the answer, and yet he smiles. 

 

“i know.” he murmurs, and he's not sad about it. “i'm okay with that.” 

 

felix is very much not okay with that. tears build in his eyes and sobs in his chest and he clutches hyunjin tight in his hold. hyunjin is good at hugs. his arms come up to hold felix back, and he rocks him back and forth where they sit on the grass. 

 

“i'm sorry,” felix cries, and he means it, feels it. he feels something for the first time in a long while. “i'm so sorry, i want to, i do-” 

 

“shhh.” hyunjin is quiet in his loving and in his smiling and in his living and felix would be very much in love with him if he could. “it's alright, lix, it's okay.” 

 

but it's not, and felix knows it's not. and still, hyunjin pulls away when felix doesn't want him to, and still, he says, 

 

“i'm happy just being with you like this.” 

 

felix isn't happy. felix can't be happy like this. 

 

*** 

 

minho is the first to go. it surprises them all, but at the same time, it doesn't. he'd never shown them his timer, they assumed it would be soon, but- 

 

but still, when they get the call, when jisung breaks down in chan's arms, when they're told it was a car accident- 

 

still, it surprises them, and still, it hurts. 

 

they find a letter. 

 

_ dear jisung,  _

 

it reads, and felix looks away. he doesn't want to hear. it's something for the two of them, something that doesn't belong to him. he's had his fair share of farewell letters. 

 

“i thought i'd be the first of us to die.” jisung whispers, trembling. his sleeve falls back. 23:13:54

 

jisung has until tomorrow to live. 

 

felix closes his eyes and wills the tears away because he knows- 

 

even though they haven't shared their dates, he knows, he's going to be the last. he's going to watch them all die, one by one. he's going to watch hyunjin die- 

 

panic fills him, followed by immense grief, and felix crumples to the floor. they crowd around jisung until his last hours and watch him fade into nothing like changbin had- 

 

felix misses changbin. 

 

*** 

 

they're buried side by side. felix wonders, is that how all soulmates are buried? there's an empty spot in the ground for him next to changbin. seventy years- 

 

where will hyunjin go when he's dead? he'll be alone, alone in the cemetery surrounded by others who lived alone, loved alone. 

 

hyunjin deserves more than that, he thinks, and he shakes with silent tears. felix writes. 

 

*** 

 

felix publishes the book before anyone else dies. he wants them to read it. he wishes minho and jisung could have read it. 

 

he takes it to a publisher one day, his rough draft, and lets her read it. 

 

she cries. he had, too, the first time he'd set his pen to paper. she shows it to the rest of her co-workers, and it's a hit. 

 

_ of orange lillies  _ makes its debut on the twenty-fifth of march, 2021. felix has spent two years on it and it's his best work, if not his only. 

 

it's soon labeled a bestseller. everyone wants to hear about the tragedy of soulmates whose love was cut short, everyone wants to know of this once in a lifetime happening, this- 

 

this anomaly. 

 

_ my anomaly.  _

 

felix hangs onto every hope he has left and watches as people all over the world break their hearts for him while reading it. it goes unmentioned, the fact that felix is the main character, and so no one knows. 

 

no one knows until a fated day where he finally, finally accepts an interview. 

 

“how does it feel to be a bestselling author at the age of only 21?” the journalist asks excitedly, already scribbling notes down on a pad of paper. felix hasn't even said anything yet. he smiles weakly at the camera, locks eyes with hyunjin standing not too far behind it. 

 

he takes a deep breath. 

 

“it's remarkable.” he says, and it's the truth. “for so many people to feel the things i've written so strongly. really, it means so much.” 

 

the journalist nods, head bobbing wildly, and felix thinks he'd make a nice looking bobblehead. hyunjin nods too, gently, ever-present smile on his face. felix smiles back at him. 

 

“and what inspired you to write this story?” 

 

felix turns his gaze back to the camera, and prepares himself. it's his big moment of truth, he has no reason to lie. he bares himself to the world. 

 

“it's a true story.” he murmurs, and pulls back the sleeve on his right arm. there's a litany of gasps and he wonders if maybe they've caught on- 

 

“who is it about?” the journalist asks, bouncing in his seat with excitement. felix finds it in himself to be a little disgusted with the man's actions. 

 

“me.” he says, and looks into the camera once more, raising his wrist so it can be caught on view. there's silence. 

 

“i-i'm so sorry for your loss.” the man beside him says weakly, and felix just smiles. “what made you want to write it all down?” 

 

he thinks about it for a bit, about the white of the hospital room and the empty hourglass and the 

 

_ wake up, felix.  _

 

he thinks about it. 

 

“i'd never heard of it happening before.” he says decidedly, and he leaves out the gorey details, the blood trailing down his left wrist as he clutched changbin's photo in his right hand. “i wanted to show that sometimes, there is no conventional ending, no easy happy ever after.”  

 

he hums a familiar tune. 

 

“though my life isn't over yet, i know it won't end easily.” he's not sure when he should stop. “i've watched my soulmate die, i've watched my friends die. i'll continue to do so until the day i'm dead.” 

 

he wonders if he could publish changbin's music. 

 

“life isn't all happy endings. but if there's a chance-” he swallows heavily. “if there's a chance that there's someone out there like me, who's lost their soulmate this way, then i want them to know that they're not alone.” 

 

*** 

 

the interview goes viral. it's no surprise people recognize him, what with his hair redyed that same orange, with his hand wrapped around those same orange lillies minho used to give him for free. he's never gone to a different flower shop. 

 

but hyunjin is always there to calm him down, to love him when he can't do it himself, his best friend. he's there. 

 

*** 

 

they lose chan, next. he'd been walking up the stairs and slipped on some rainwater, and before they knew it he was gone. they all hold woojin as he cries and felix wishes, he wishes that chan hadn't been alone. 

 

jeongin and seungmin are hit by a drunk driver. fate likes to twist things up like that. maybe they should have been soulmates, if their lives were to be so intertwined, but they weren't. it's never that simple. 

 

woojin dies on a saturday evening. he takes his own life. they find him on the ground and they know- they just know. 

 

it goes like this for a while. 

 

they lose each other, cling to the others, cry and attend funerals, six of them, one after another. all six. 

 

and then it's just hyunjin, and felix, together, on hyunjin's 70th birthday. his hair has started to gray, and felix clutches him tight in his arms. 

 

“not you, too.” he begs, as hyunjin slips away. “god, not you, too.” 

 

god isn't there to listen. 

 

“felix,” hyunjin says, and it's weary and comes out as more of a sigh then anything else. “i love you, you know that?” 

 

felix knows. he knows and he cries and he wishes it would be over. but it isn't. a timer rings. felix wishes it was his own. 

 

***

 

that morning, it rains. he checks the calendar, checks his timer to be sure. he takes a bouquet of orange lilies from a vase of water, and he makes his way to where fate wants him to be. 

 

***

 

it's years later, in a small cemetery. felix walks down rows of headstones. it's raining. he clutches a bouquet of orange lillies in his hand. the raindrops form beads and slip off of the petals. lee felix doesn't carry an umbrella.


End file.
